


Kaylee

by shealynn88



Series: Aftermath [4]
Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-13
Updated: 2012-09-13
Packaged: 2017-11-14 04:19:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/511236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shealynn88/pseuds/shealynn88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"...I can’t be like that, can’t be a soldier," Kaylee sobbed.  "I <i>know</i> there’s no weakness in the black.  No time for it, no place…but I can’t help it.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kaylee

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for Serenity.

Kaylee’d had an awful hard time recently. Not that she had the worst of it. She knew better than that. For sure, Zoe had to be the one hurtin’ the most on the ship. But Kaylee just didn’t seem to be dealing with it all so well. She’d been able to keep it together around most of the crew most of the time, but where everyone else was holdin’ up their end of things, she just wasn’t. Since Miranda, she hadn’t dared to work on anything but ceramic, for fear of gettin’ salt on metal.

Simon had been her salvation. Being with him made things distant, at least for a while. But she couldn’t let him know how broken she was, how the hurt of losing her friends had torn her up. The last thing he needed, what with taking care of his sis for so long, was another person to look after. She knew if she was him, she’d want someone who could hold her own, someone who wasn’t needy or clingy.

Kaylee’d left him asleep in his bunk and gone to the engine room, trying to repair the results of her neglect. The compressor needed cleaning something dreadful. So, there she was, trying to keep the tears from gumming up the works while she scrubbed quietly. 

A gentle feminine voice broke the silence. “Kaylee?” 

Kaylee spun around, wiping her damp cheeks hastily with dirty hands. “’Nara! Hi!” She flashed a smile at the Companion. Inara had been her closest friend on Serenity, despite their differences in station. With all that glamour, she’d still been willing to listen to Kaylee’s silly dreams. The mechanic had missed her something fierce when she was gone. 

Inara walked up and put a hand on her shoulder. “How are you?” the Companion asked softly.

Her voice was so gentle, it near tore Kaylee up. “I’m okay, I guess,” she said uncertainly, still cleaning. 

“Are you?” Inara asked, as if she already knew the answer. 

Kaylee could feel her jumbled emotions unraveling, but she bit them back, forcing herself not to cry again. 

Inara seemed to sense her tears, and squeezed her shoulder gently. “You can talk to me, you know.”

The emotions, coiled like a spring, finally let go, filling Kaylee until she couldn’t hold them back anymore. The broken words were out before she could keep them back. “I’m hurt, ‘Nara. I feel gut-shot, even though I got no right to. I got a man and Serenity, and good friends…” she swallowed hard, the tears falling faster. “I got so much here, and I just don’t feel like it’s okay. Like _I’m_ okay.”

Inara knelt next to her, and Kaylee made a noise of distress. “’Nara, your dress!”

“Hush,” the Companion said, putting a hand on her shoulder. “It’ll clean. Come here.” She pulled Kaylee against her, ignoring the dirt that covered the mechanic. 

Kaylee took a deep breath, trying to hold it all in, but her breath caught and all her uncertainty came bubbling out in tears and sobs, none of ‘em pretty. “I don’t know if I can do this, ‘Nara! I know that Zoe’s lost more ‘n me, and she’s fine, but me…I’m just not. I can’t be like that, can’t be a soldier. I _know_ there’s no weakness in the black. No time for it, no place…but I can’t help it.”

“Shh,” Inara soothed, stroking her hair. “No one said you shouldn’t feel. All of us are hurting, even if not everyone shows it.”

Kaylee pulled back, looking Inara in the eye. “But I can’t…can’t do what might need be done. Like…gods, Inara, we _strapped_ our _friends_ to our ship! I could never do that on my own. Not to save my life. Could barely do it under orders. I just…I don’t know if this life is right with me anymore. What if I’m in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing? What if my bein’ weak gets someone else killed? I couldn’t live with that.”

Inara stroked Kaylee’s hair away from her eyes, looking at her with deep compassion. “Sweetie, you have to make your own choices about your own life. You know Mal would support you, whatever you want to do. But don’t worry that you’re not like him, or Zoe. All kinds of people are needed out here. Look at me, and Simon. We’re not all fighters. Sometimes I think the soldiers _need_ people like us, just to remind them what it’s like to be human.”

“You think they need us?” Kaylee asked quietly.

“I really do,” Inara said quietly.

“So, are you’re stayin?” The thought was like a tiny ray of hope, a promise. “I was so afraid he’d—“ She cut herself off, feeling heat in her cheeks. Wasn’t like her to speak ill of her Captain. She loved him, she really did. He just drove her so crazy sometimes with his stubbornness. If she was the Captain, she’d have been in Inara’s bed an age ago. 

Inara laughed. “He’d drive me away? Drop me off on the next planet? I was sort of wondering that myself. But for the moment at least, I think we’re okay. And I’m here for you if you need me.”

Kaylee smiled. “Thanks. I don’t want to bother the others, bein’ all weepy.”

Inara touched her hair lightly. “You might find that the others feel the same way about burdening you. Maybe if one of you reaches out, it’ll help the both of you.”

Kaylee looked at her uncertainly. “You think…you think maybe I should talk to Simon? I just…he’s got plenty to worry about already. Don’t want him to think I’m all clingy, need takin’ care of.”

Inara smiled. “I have a feeling he wouldn’t mind taking care of you a little.” 

Kaylee was still uncertain. She couldn’t stand losing Simon, now that she’d just got him. What if she just drove him away, bein’ her?

Inara hugged her again. “Think about it. Sometimes a little honesty goes a long way, especially at times like this.” Something flashed over Inara’s face that made Kaylee think she knew.

“I will,” Kaylee said softly. “Thanks for coming up here.”

“That’s what friends are for, sweetie. You know where to find me if you need me.”

Kaylee nodded. “Bring you some tea later?”

“I’d love that.”

Kaylee watched Inara leave with the Companion’s voice ringing in her ears. _“Sometimes a little honesty goes a long way, especially at times like this.”_

Maybe it was time for her to be gettin’ back to bed.


End file.
